Ever notice how when fear about something creeps in you develop a distraction? Distractions can look like this: picking up your phone. going to the refrigerator. exercising excessively. netflix. starting an argument. or shopping.
Often enough we do not actually chase our fears far enough into the abyss to see what it would actually feel like in reality. But what if we did? Here is a mind dump process of mine (names removed):
What if this friendship were to end, what would change about my life? Well perhaps right now, it would free up a lot more of my mind since I seem to be consumed by perceptions of how I have let them down, and the failure that exists in that. That is not how I really feel though. I love them. Their presence is valuable to me. Their thoughtfulness is valuable to me. Their perspective is valuable to me. What they stands for is valuable to me. They mirror a lot of my own internal experiences in the way that they live life. I would miss them deeply. It would be painful. But perhaps no more painful than living with their perception of disappointment in my friendship.
But what if this friendship continues on? What would happen in that circumstance?During the times struggle when I have felt inadequate and exhausted by my own presence they have been a continuous source of comfort for me. They have given me a place to be myself and heal and remind me of my own greatness. And time with them has its own sense of value because of that. I can rely on them to show up for me. That said, I can also rely on myself to show up for for me. Regardless, I think the discomfort I am feeling right now will diminish and the opportunities will grow for us if I can let the fck go and neither live in their expectations or my own of how this should look.
But I think this idea is relevant to my whole life. If I can move into a place where I do not feel threatened or concerned the opportunities will grow.
What if this turmoil I feel is just indicative of my constant struggle to be and feel the best, knowing that dark days and hard times come. I think this is it. I think that is my problem. That I am being so hard on myself that I can only assume everyone around me is thinking the same bull shit that is floating inside my own head. Which is probably not true.
And even if it was. Does it matter?
The perceptions inside of our minds are often a lot less scary if we chase them through the thought process rather than run and hide from them. Most of the time, these are not life and death fears, or perhaps even true, they are insecurities that threaten what we know to be comfortable.