I would like to say that it was peaceful moments in yoga that made me believe so powerfully in my breath, but it wasn't. It was actually violent and shocking experiences. The yoga experiences simply cemented in the understanding.
Coming from a background of abusive relationships I am aware of how it feels to metaphorically drown both inside of an experience while simultaneously feeling detached from the experience. And how these experiences form the thoughts you carry for the rest of your life.
If you are sensitive to stories of abuse, or do not want to know these stories about me, please skip down to where the text is bold.
I remember visiting a boyfriend in Indiana and him getting, what I found out the next day, was black out drunk. We were leaving a party and in his drunken rage he forced me into the passenger seat shortly after I began driving us home. Immediately after that he began speeding up and down dirt roads screaming at me about how he was going to drive us into the next telephone pole or through the next corn field in hopes we hit something unexpected and die because if he couldn't have me then no one could. I do not remember feeling ANYTHING though I remember a lot of other small details from this night, but the thing that caught my attention the most was the sound of my own breathing and how slow it got. It was more pronounced than anything else.
Unfortunately this was not the first time that an event like this happened with him. But it was the last.
Our minds are wired to wander, worry, create struggle, problem solve and survive. When struggles like seeking food, water, avoiding danger, and shelter are no longer there, the mind will begin to create "problems" to solve. If you have a history of unresolved bullshit like the above story, you can relate to the stories that the mind makes up about creating danger. And if you do not, then you can relate to the mind creating problems to attend to.
That person doesn't love me.
That person needs to love me.
That person needs to see things my way.
That person needs to do it how I would do it.
That person is going to try and sleep with me again to give me an std (that they must've caught) to get back at me for breaking up with them.
....if that doesn't happen my way it is indicative of my worth.
...I better end this before someone else can.
....I better call myself fat before they do.
....if it doesn't happen I will be in danger.
....I am in danger.
....I am not loved.
....I will be alone forever.
We are not immune to these thoughts. We all have moments in time where we dive down the rabbit holes of nobody loves us, everybody hates, the world is going to turn against me and I will perish alone.
At some point these rabbit holes have to become laughable. Not because it is true BUT because it is likely not true at all, however we are attaching our worth to our thoughts rather than recognizing consciousness as its own entity. By believing that each thought we have is indicative of the reality is both selfish and potentially debilitating.
You see, physiologically stress is stress. It doesn't know the difference between being chased and feeling like no one will ever love you. Both of those things feel like DANGER DANGER DANGER. To find a sense of inner peace, it is important to understand consciousness. Consciousness is your ability to witness surroundings, the thoughts you have, and the actions you take over your thoughts and surroundings. It is the opportunity to step back and choose a better reaction. Some of you might relate this to cognitive behavior therapy.
When we are completely unaware of our ability to think and act off of our thoughts, or we call our experiences truth and allow them to dictate our thoughts we begin to identify as our thoughts, and therefore increase the likelihood of feeling like we can drown amongst these thoughts. We become the victim to these thoughts.
PLEASE READ THAT AGAIN. As it is very fucking complicated.
My tools for this, in no particular order:
Sam Harris and the Waking Up APP.
People often say to me "But you're not afraid of anything"... I want to be clear that I am afraid of a lot of things. I just made. choice a long time ago to not let the fear shine through.