CHANGING YOUR PERSPECTIVE IS DIFFICULT WHEN IT IS ALL YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN
​"If we make up our minds about where something will lead us and what category it lives in, it takes away the opportunities that exist inside of our experiences. The truth is we do not know where most of our choices will lead us in the long term, so determining whether they are good or bad or a success or a failure is a fleeting sense of control."
This is a blurb from last weeks newsletter where we looked at how we tend to compartmentalize things into good, bad, success, or failure and make our choices based off of those categories. 

It is important to know that the brain is built to solve problems, and that if your problems are mostly solved it will make up stories based off of past experiences and future fears. It will use categories like good or bad to "predict" outcomes. This prediction gives us a sense of safety which can help us function better. 

The truth of life, (and a hard pill to swallow), is that predictions towards safety are rough waters to 
navigate because there truly is no guarantee. Acceptance of this become an even bigger challenge if you have experienced a significant violent life trauma. However, it is not impossible.
 

"If we make up our minds about where something will lead us and what category it lives in, it takes away the opportunities that exist inside of our experiences."

The desire to predict our experiences and outcomes is rooted in the fear of something bad happening or experiencing a particular failure. However, when we predict the outcome, either because we reap what we sow or there was a sub conscious interpretation of patterns, we validate our experience and groove that neural network deeper into our brains. 
What that deeper groove means is that you only have a firmer belief in the prediction and increase the likelihood of perpetuating the outcome. 

If you have you ever wondered why you keep experiencing similar circumstances with different people or environments, this is why. Because you are the constant in those circumstances, and you have repeatable habits.

When we first begin thinking about this idea of accountability, it is usually quite stressful because we immediately jump to an "I should" ideology. It is important to remember that you are human, and the mechanical system that you operate off of is firing as it is supposed too. There are tools you can implement to help you with this, but it will not change overnight.

"The truth is we do not know where most of our choices will lead us in the long term, so determining whether they are good or bad or a success or a failure is a fleeting sense of control."

We do not have to know the outcome of each event to feel safe. This is perfectly ok. Even if it feels uncomfortable. Remember that growth is on the other side of your comfort zone. 

A better use of our time and resources would be to look at building a more resilient sense of self, (we will look at this next week), so that we feel more confident in the endurance of challenge. Whether that be physical, mental, or emotional. If we can build a sense of trust with ourselves, we will feel less necessity for our external environment to be perfect so that we feel perfect. 

The good, bad, successful, or failure playing field is leveled because our ego is not as tied up in how deeply this will reflect back on us because we know we are doing the work needed to detach from perfect outcomes and we can learn to ease into more enjoyment and problem solving behavior rather than avoidance.

These concepts can be challenging to grasp at first and that is ok. Oftentimes it is a seed that gets planted and over the course of years begins to take shape into something much more powerful. 

Good. Bad. Succeed. Fail.​
How each one of these sits with you will depend on your end goal of what you are striving for and your perspective of what each of these words means to you. 

Recently I was dealing with an injury in Jiu Jitsu and was not comfortable pushing it into competition mode. Since competing is a large part of how I direct myself mentally and physically I noticed myself feeling moody, distracted, overwhelmed while at the same time under stimulated. This is a recipe for disaster (for me) and screams high school all over again. I eventually went to one of my coaches and said "Hey, I need some direction and since it cannot be competition right now I am wondering what I can work on in training to work towards getting my purple belt".
(Approaching my coach alone required a certain level of awareness on my behalf but it could be noted that when we are feeling any of the aforementioned emotions, we are likely suffering from boredom and lack of direction)
My coach came back with some techniques that I can work on in class as well as where he sees me lacking in my mentality. 
BOOM. 
The conversation gave me perspective, purpose, and something to work towards. I could implement his advice every day in both my personal and training life. 



THE POINT
Many times we get stuck on the story that lives inside our heads. We begin to categorize things into good/successful or bad/failure. It is this kind of tunnel vision that leads us to living inside a bunch of "shoulda's" and often keeps us frozen with indecision.  

Flexible thinking allows us to see outside the lines of these categories and feel more freedom in our choices. 

There is a Chinese parable that illustrates this well.  

If we make up our minds about where something will lead us and what category it lives in, it takes away the opportunities that exist inside of our experiences. The truth is we do not know where most of our choices will lead us in the long term, (we will talk about this next week), so determining whether they are good or bad or successful or failures is a fleeting sense of control. If I had not been hurt and floundering around restlessly inside of my own head, I would have never been so uncomfortable that I went to my coach looking for changes. Which means that the hard conversation would have never happened. Which means that I wouldn't have deepened the trust that I have within my position on the team and I would not have developed focused goal both physically and mentally. 
Ultimately if we do not know where we want to go with things in our life, be it training, relationships, career, hobbies, living situations, and self development; we lack direction. 

Goals and building self awareness is a very good reason to have a coach or a therapist.

Stepping outside of your head and getting a professional opinion about what you are feeling and thinking is invaluable. Otherwise the chances that you will maintain categories that are a product of habit, (from your experiences and environment), will continue to influence your perspective even when you think you have a good handle on things. 

It is important to have goals in mind. 
It is important to have perspective on your goals.
It is important to think in small steps that lead to a bigger picture. 
But most importantly, it is important to have the self awareness to recognize when we can handle things on our own and when we need to gather the troops to help us out. 

HABITS. WHY WE FAIL AND HOW WE CAN SUCCEEDLast week we looked at "how to get more bang for your buck" with the time you have and the practices you want to do, specifically regarding breath work and yoga. Obviously it is not everyones goal to do both breath work and yoga but it demonstrates the finer idea of habit stacking. 

James Clear talks about habit stacking in his book Atomic Habits, (a read I definitely recommend). Habit stacking is the idea of taking a desired habit and putting it very closely to a habit that you already have.



HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF WHAT THAT WOULD LOOK LIKE  You already have a breath work practice but are trying to add in more movement, last weeks email demonstrates how to stack those habits so that you are more likely to become successful with your goal of more movement. 

You want to drink more water, you place a 16oz glass next to your toothbrush and before you brush your teeth, (hopefully twice a day), you chug that glass of water first. 

You want to start journalling. Each morning once you have made your cup of coffee/tea, sit down and journal only three sentences. 

You want to start exercising. Start just by driving to the gym and spending ONLY 10 minutes there. (This is a brilliant example that James Clear gives in the book).  

You want to begin to eat healthier. Pick one meal a day that you will intentionally eat better choices.

Habits failures happen when our goals are far more lofty than our current ability. Therefore, it is important that we start small and slowly build our way up to our desired goal rather than go full steam ahead and quit after just a couple of days. The examples above indicate this. 


REAL TALK
I used to have this friend that would whine all the time about her weight ad constantly compare her body to my body, (two different body types). I offered to help her multiple times. Not that I thought she needed to change her body, but we talked about her feeling comfortable inside her own body and learning to love what it can do for her. She continuously refused and kept on whining about her unhappiness and telling me that I was "lucky" because I loved Jiu Jitsu so it is "easy" for me to go train. 
IT IS NOT EASY FOR ME TO GO TRAIN. Sure I get excited to train, but I also know the level of failure I am likely going to have that day and I do not always anticipate that. I have just developed an important skill called "discipline" that keeps me going regardless of the outcome. 

Your success is based upon YOU... the tools you incorporate, the discipline that you develop understanding that the outcome will be far greater than the sacrifices, and often times the support of the people around you... this can also be looked at as long term goals traded for short term sacrifices. 

I have programs specifically built out for this.. creating better habits that weed out the bullshit of your life and set you up for the success of your life, whether that is you training to compete or get out of the shitty job you hate, or switch out the friends that you have outgrown. You always deserve better.